if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
