She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
In other news, I just burned my penis
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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