I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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