Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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