party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
