no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
