i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
