I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
