i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
