Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
