get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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