omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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