If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
