Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
