The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
