he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
