the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
