Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
