How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
