Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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