she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
