i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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