shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
