I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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