my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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