What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
