This dress was meant to end up on your floor
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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