I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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