3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
