I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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