They should really pass out barf bags in church
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
