Old men and throwing up are my life now.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
