if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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