My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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