Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
