I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize