just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
