She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
