I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
