I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
