I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize