I want to make a zoo with you.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize