Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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