I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
