I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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