blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
