dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
