she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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