Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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