You're my little dorito
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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