My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
