I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
