I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
