I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
