Don't you send me to vm
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
