Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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