It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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