it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
